Parallel Realities

Thinking about all the things I could never do in this lifetime. There’s too much I want that I’ll never get to experience. My life is a boring disaster; I feel like some background character in a movie, one without lines and never interacts with the protagonist.
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I’m just writing because I feel the need to talk to someone. Not that you are some sort of a last resort. The phrase “last resort” reminds me of Breath of Fire. Are you familiar with that?

It’s a scorching hot day where I am now. The family dog just broke my room’s window and almost killed me. I’m sleepy, cranky, and alone. At least I got my icy treat right here.

It’s been a while. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I quit writing like it’s a bad habit. I do keep a few notes here and there, on my smartphone mostly. I’ve been all over the place. I can’t seem to get myself organized.

On second thought, that sounds like a gravely horrible excuse.

I know, I know. If only I spent less time on auto-pilot, I’d get things done. But that’s easier said than done, we all know that. There’s something oddly satisfying about just being lazy, not having to think too much, wasting time.

If only I had more drive.

When you think about the grand scheme of things, the universe, how little each of our existences are, it becomes hard to take anything seriously. 

Why are we here? What are we doing? What are we?

How I wish I could build a time machine to experience life when Victorian dresses were a part of daily life, when things seem a lot more… formal. A lot more black and white. A lot less freedom, and therefore, a lot less confusion of who we all should be.

I long for — I desire things I cannot have.

I spend way too much time pondering questions I’ll never know the answers to.

That’s just who I am.

I’m comfortable. Not lonely but not happy. What’s more, I have no feelings about that either.

I’m just a tiny speck of dust in this space of stars and void.

To All Things Better

The past is a lesson; never forget the wisdom it brought you. It’s fuel to moving forward.

It’s almost 2014 and there’s room for nothing but better things to come. No sulking, no regrets, no missing. 2014 is for growth, for wonder, for surprises, for achieving bigger things.

With the ending of 2013 I’m leaving what’s been dragging me down, letting go of relationships that are more trouble than it’s worth, putting down extra baggage that no longer benefits me. Will not be looking back but at the same time not forgetting.

This year has taught me so much about acceptance — accepting that all things are impermanent. Even the ones that used to be dearest to you are not meant to stay forever. The world is a big one; there’s so much more to explore, things to experience, people to meet, emotions to feel.

Bring it on, world, because I’m no longer weak. I’m no longer afraid. I’m no longer running.

I’m ready for all of it.

You’re Missing from Me

Missing you this much should be illegal.

They say that people think about themselves 90% of the time, which justifies not giving a shit about what other people think because chances are they’re not thinking about you at all.

Well aren’t you one lucky motherfucker, being on my mind all the time. You’re all I ever think about. It kills me but you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Maybe I’m falling without realizing it. And I’m not even gonna resist it. Not this time.

I miss you. Or as the French say, tu me manques — you are missing from me.

Just be here already. Please?